“From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring pour forth from the same opening fresh and salt water? Can a fig tree, my brothers, bear olives, or a grapevine produce figs? Neither can a salt pond yield fresh water.”
— James 3:10–12
Recently, my husband has been going through the transition of becoming a police officer (for the second time) while taking on seminary classes. Individually, each of these comes with its own challenges. Taking them on at the same time, however, is a whole new level — especially when you add a night-shift schedule to the mix.
I know my husband has his own perspective on how exhausting this season is. He is the one actually doing all of these things.
Meanwhile, I’m over here in my own little world… slowly falling apart.
We were having a conversation the other day about a meltdown that I had — fueled by lack of sleep and the feeling that I was taking care of the kids and home alone.
In the midst of that meltdown, I muttered that I was doing all night by myself and then all day by myself, with no end in sight. And honestly, that is what it felt like.
The baby was up teething all night.
The one-year-old was crying for snuggles and milk.
At one point, the five-year-old ended up in my bed.
Ironically, the only one who slept through the night was the three-year-old — the child I usually struggle to keep asleep on any other given night.
Anyways… back to the meltdown.
My husband got home at 2 a.m. and crashed — which was wonderful. I am grateful he was home and able to get some rest.
When everyone woke up for the day, I quietly slipped out of the room with the baby and shut the door behind me. I was tired and cranky, but I was doing my best to keep the peace with coffee in hand. My husband was even able to sleep until 10 a.m., which was much longer than expected with a house full of rambunctious boys.
But when he did wake up, he immediately needed to start working on school assignments.
At that exact moment:
– The baby started crying.
-The other three joined in.
-I had just started prepping applesauce because our apples were about to go bad.
And my mind just lost its sense of direction.
In that moment, I went into fight-or-flight mode. Unfortunately, for me, both modes result in one thing: anger.
After that specific meltdown, my husband and I talked about Scripture and how my reaction related to it.
What he said — though painful — was something the Lord had already been whispering to me two days earlier.
He pulled up Luke 6:43–45:
“For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thorn bushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.”
It hit me like a brick.
What was coming out of my fight-or-flight response was ugly. It was sinful. And that meant the abundance of my heart was not good.
But why?
How could I respond this way when I want to serve and seek Him? I want to love the Lord and show my children this daily — and yet, in these moments, I am doing the complete opposite.
I had to meditate on this.
I mentioned to my husband that the day before, James 3:10–12 stood out to me — and this conversation only reinforced it.
The next day, I dove deep into these passages. I truly wanted to understand why my heart was producing such harsh responses.
Usually, when I pray for forgiveness, I turn to Psalm 139:23–24:
“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”
That day, my prayer shifted. I asked Him to search me and show me the abundance of my heart.
And He did.
As I prayed, I was reminded of Luke 11:34–36:
“Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light.”
I began to think about the things that I consume through my eyes — relationships, TV, books, social media.
What fills us will eventually spill out.
If we consume things that are negative, impure, or unhelpful, that becomes the abundance of our heart. And that is what will surface in moments of pressure or in these moments of fight-or-flight.
We have to focus on what is pure.
Even if something isn’t inherently bad, if it isn’t edifying, it can still shape our hearts in ways we do not even fully realize.
Philippians 4:8–9:
“Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me — practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”
Especially in difficult seasons, we must be intentional about what we are feeding our hearts.
In this season, I am learning that exhaustion might be why I go into fight-or-flight — but it does not excuse the overflow of my heart.
If blessing and cursing are coming from the same mouth, something else is going on deeper and needs attention.
And the first thing that needs to be reflected on is what I am allowing my eyes to consume.
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